Creating Positive Experiences
The stories of birthmothers who have turned to Hope Cottage in their time of need are our highest form of praise. We believe the experiences of others in similar situations may help to put your heart and mind at ease and give you a new perspective as you contemplate adoption.
Emily's Story | Catherine's Story | Crystal's Story
Emily's Story
Hi, my name is Emily. I am a birthmother and I am also an adult adoptee, adopted from Hope Cottage in 1979. I had loving parents and a very happy childhood. So when I found I was pregnant, I came to Hope Cottage.
My experience as a birthmother at Hope Cottage was one of love, caring and understanding. I never felt pressured to make an adoption plan. All they did was love me through whatever decision I made, whether that was parenting or placing. I met with my counselor every week. I also joined the birthmother support group. After three years, I am still active in the group.
I knew from the very beginning that I wanted to place my daughter. I expected that it would be similar to my own adoption, which was a closed adoption. Then my counselor told me about open adoption. At first I wasn't sure that I wanted to have contact with my daughter after she was born. However, the more I learned about openness, the more I wished that I had had that. Growing up, I had many questions about who I was. With a fully open adoption, my daughter would have someone to answer those questions.
My counselor explained that I would be able to choose the parents. We discussed what was most important for me. I wanted a Christian family where at least one parent stayed home. My counselor showed me pictures and letters from couples like this. She told me that if I didn't find the right family in this group, I could look at more.
I knew from the moment I read Doug and Connie's letter that they were supposed to be my daughter's parents. We met in December and from that moment on, I knew everything was going to be OK. We went to doctor visits, I met their extended family and they met my parents. Most importantly, we just got to know each other and made important decisions about our daughter's future.
When Madi was born in April, they shared that day with me. I even asked Connie to be in the delivery room with me. After she was born, we got together almost every month. We sent emails, letters, made phone calls, sent pictures and also got together at least once a month. Madi calls me Emmy and is told on a daily basis that I am her birthmother and that I love her very much. I know that I made the best decision that I could for her. I have absolutely no regrets. We have a wonderful relationship.
Recently Doug and Connie moved out of state to be near his family. Yes, we no longer live in the same town, but that does not change our love and devotion for Madi and our commitment to this open adoption. We will always be part of each other's lives. We still talk at least once a month and send lots of emails and pictures and get together when we can.
I hope my story gives you a better understanding of how positive adoption can be. Please remember, whether you decide to parent or place your child in adoption, Hope Cottage will always be in your corner.
Catherine's Story
Catherine from Plano, Texas, was 17 and going to college when she discovered she was pregnant. Her story is recounted below as told to Marsha S.:
I stepped out of the car, and my water broke. At least I was standing in the hospital parking lot. A friend drove me there when I began a very long and painful labor. I didn't tell my parents about my pregnancy, and I had no access to insurance. The county hospital was the only place I thought I could go.
Earlier, during my pregnancy, my boyfriend and I grew apart. He was going to high school, living at home with his parents. I was going to college, living in an apartment. Our baby was four weeks old when he saw him for the first time.
I never talked with anyone about adoption until I was in the hospital. After giving birth to a big healthy boy, doctors, nurses and even a social worker were constantly "guilting me" about even thinking of adoption. I was told, "I was a terrible person if I abandoned my baby."
They lectured me and even offered help taking care of my baby. It's like they thought giving birth automatically made you a capable parent, regardless of your age or marital status. A social worker wrongly assumed I was a runaway and called my mom. She was shocked to hear about my baby. A friend drove my mom and sister to the hospital. I was glad they were there. They were helpful and supportive. Unsure of what to do, I named my baby Adrian, and we all went to my mom's home.
My mom's friend suggested adoption and gave me the number for Hope Cottage Pregnancy and Adoption Center in Dallas. They help over 200 women in crisis pregnancies and create an average of 20 families through domestic adoption each year.
My counselor helped me explore all my options. I chose adoption for the benefit of my baby, not myself. There were so many things I wanted him to have, but I knew I couldn't give him. I wanted him to have a family and a nice stable home.
I looked at pictures and read biographies written by couples waiting to parent a child.
Counselors had informed each of them about my baby and me and needed consent before releasing their information. All of the approved couples underwent extensive background checks, home studies and interviews. They also paid an adoption fee based on a sliding scale of their income. The money pays for services that help all the birthparents and their families in crisis whether they parent or place their child for adoption.
Along with counseling, services include a parent mentoring program, the Hope Cottage Temporary Loving Care homes for babies, legal aid and more.
One week after my mom and I met with two couples that I selected, I made my decision. I chose Eric and Marsha as parents for Adrian. I thought they would be good parents and I could have a good relationship with them.
We all wanted a fully disclosed, open adoption because we knew it was best for everyone, especially Adrian. Eric and Marsha believed the more people loving him, the better. Adrian and I met with them three times in the following week. We exchanged blankets and clothing with our scents, making his transition easier. I was weaning Adrian off breast milk and they fed him a bottle of formula during our visits. I was happy Eric and Marsha bonded so quickly with Adrian.
Our counselor helped us discuss a mutual agreement on the level of openness and later put it in writing. It's usually called an adoption agreement and is legally binding in some states.
Adrian was five weeks old when we all met at Hope Cottage on placement day. Eric and Marsha signed many legal papers stating Adrian would be under their care, and I signed relinquishment papers that ended my parental rights. Once I signed the papers, I knew I couldn't change my mind.
Adrian's birthfather chose a minimal open adoption when he signed relinquishment papers a week before placement. He didn't tell his parents and didn't want them knowing. Months later, he went with me and met Marsha, Eric and Adrian for lunch one day.
Placing my baby in Marsha's arms was very hard. Letting go of someone you love more than anything else is extremely difficult. I liked openness because I wanted to see Adrian after I placed him. My mom preferred open adoption because she liked the idea of knowing he was OK, too.
My family and I visited once a week for the first month. We gave him presents, hugs and kisses. I felt so good when I could see Adrian was doing well. Then I saw him every month and on special occasions like his baptism. Eric and Marsha gave me pictures and videos.
For six months after placement, Hope Cottage was the managing conservator of Adrian. Our counselor followed up, making sure everyone was complying with the agreement. She also checked on Adrian in his new home. After six months, Eric and Marsha adopted him in court.
After a year, Marsha asked me if I would like babysitting Adrian. She and Eric wanted Adrian to have a strong relationship with my family and me. They wanted Adrian to know we're an important part of his family. We needed some time on our own together. I have a lot of fun with him, and my family loves babysitting him, too.
Most people are shocked when I tell them about my relationship with Adrian and his parents. Some even think Adrian could be confused about who his parents are. I just tell them he knows me as Catherine, his birthmom. He knows I'm the one that carried him in my body before he was born. They have been telling Adrian his story of adoption since the day they brought him home.
When people hear the whole story, they think it's really neat. Our situation may be uniquely closer than in most open adoptions, but it works for us.
I think if everyone knew about openness, more people would support adoption. Now that Adrian is a happy and active 3-year-old, the only regret I have is not receiving prenatal care. I was young, and I didn't know better. My life has changed a lot. I've grown up, and I had a baby. I'm a much more mature person now. I still believe making an adoption plan was best for him. My family and I are very happy having Adrian as a part of our lives through open adoption.
Crystal's Story
Editor's note: Crystal received services through Hope Cottage's pregnancy counseling program during the placement of her daughter, and then later, through the parenting preparation program to help her parent her two other children.
The first time I came to Hope Cottage I was a single mother of two and I was pregnant with my third baby. Hope Cottage has been a great experience for me. I was very confused and did not know how to handle a third baby. When I started my journey at Hope Cottage, they immediately began working with me on life skills, budgeting and just all the other things that would make me a better person.
As far as the adoption process goes, it went really smooth. Everyone was helpful and patient throughout the whole process. I met with the adoptive mother and even got to choose where my baby would spend the next 18 years of her life. That is really, I think, why I have taken this whole process so well. Most people judge mothers who place their babies up for adoption. Some say, "You're stupid" or "Why did you do that?" But at Hope Cottage, they don't judge you. They offer you the support you would not get from outside people.
After placement I joined the Partners in Hope, now known as the Parenting Prep Program, where they work with parenting women. They helped me to go to medical assistant's school. They always have all kinds of goodies for Christmas and just the support along the way that they give you is enough to make me thank God that I found them or they found me.
I continue to work with Hope Cottage and I never want to lose contact. My goal one day is to become a volunteer at Hope Cottage to help other young mothers. One day, I hope this will come true.